State of Depression....
Sep. 1st, 2010 01:12 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jan_reaI'm feeling so bummed out/down right now, but as exhausted as I am, my internal turmoil is bothering me so much, that I just decided to sit down and just rant out everything using words...
I'm in such an array of freaking conflicting emotions now that I don't even know what to say.
Sometimes it just feels like you've done all the right things and yet you will still get bitten in the arse by the end of the day regardless of what good you have done.
Advising friends have always been my strong forte, and I am at least proud to say that I look at things in a purely non-judgmental manner, always, regarding how close I am with the person consulting me.
I won't hesitate to point out faults and cover all aspects of a matter and offer advice without forcing it to be accepted.
But sadly, when the problems are LOVE-related, all forms of brain cells capable of making good decisions and understand facts just seem to diminish from a person's mind instantly no matter what they hear.
And that's how it was.
I spent five hours, FIVE BLOODY hours helping a girl friend of mine who is having this slight problem with this guy, who I also know, and tried to offer sound and reasonable advice. Naturally, she went for a chat with him while asking me to be on hold in MSN so she could chat with me when problems arise. And I waited, extremely patiently.
It is worth a mention here that the both are yet to be together, due to loads and loads of certain complications.
And problems did arise. And while I will spare those tiny and insignificant and moronic details of the problems and advices given, I shall venture forth to the point when problems arose for myself.
It seems that while I was being a friend cum psychiatrist for my friend, the guy has his own platoon of loyal friends whom he had been seeking advice from too. This was of course perfectly acceptable by me, since it's normal, but what I couldn't accept was that instead of offering constructive advice, they chose a rather immature route of bad mouthing this friend of mine, and the boy told every juicy detail to her when she answered 'yes' to his question of 'would you like to know what my friends think about you?"
And while one might maintain composure in giving sound advice, it was a different matter to suppress the urge to defend a friend from mockery that was unjust and just plain cruel.
And what pisses me off more is the fact that the girl keeps finding excuses and taking all the blame herself when clearly both sides are at fault. For gods sake, it's not like I am putting all the blame on him, just pointing out that he's not as innocent and pure-hearted than what you might believe!!
What ensued was a momentary lapse of composure and a few more emotional words, ending in a tirade worthy of a full page paragraph.
And her reaction to all the sense I was trying to make her see, was instead of having even a mediocre understanding of what I was trying to convey, she apologized profusely for whatever reasons that escapes me and her tone leaves no misinterpretation to the fact that she was probably trying to placate me and escape at the same time. And that wounds me even more than I thought it would.
Damn! She was practically begging me to go off line, and while it pisses me off, I know that I have done some wrong and apologized for it, stating my faults and hoping that she might take a cue and think about what she has done wrong at the same time. Not wanting to stay on any longer for someone who clearly not appreciates what I've done, I logged off.
I was practically nodding off in front of my laptop, eyes blurry as she worked things out. And even with the killer headache I am sporting even now to type this piece to vent my frustrations, I still held on, being the friend that she wanted and helped her through this problem of hers.
Now, left with an odd sense of detachment, and a numbing pain and sadness sending small pangs of anger and a sense of betrayal over my body, I still could not find it in myself to be mad at her even for a second, since she is my friend. And tears just don't seem to be forthcoming, as though there are no more left for such hopeless matters.
It just makes me wonder sometimes, why do I still help? I could certainly use my time for something better.
But I know in the end that the ties of friendship may be my blessing and bane at the same time.
And with this self-deprecating sigh, i sign myself off, hoping for a good night's sleep and a morning rid of headaches even though a part of me knows that the sweet pleasure of the sleep induced unconsciousness will delude me for hours to come....
I'm in such an array of freaking conflicting emotions now that I don't even know what to say.
Sometimes it just feels like you've done all the right things and yet you will still get bitten in the arse by the end of the day regardless of what good you have done.
Advising friends have always been my strong forte, and I am at least proud to say that I look at things in a purely non-judgmental manner, always, regarding how close I am with the person consulting me.
I won't hesitate to point out faults and cover all aspects of a matter and offer advice without forcing it to be accepted.
But sadly, when the problems are LOVE-related, all forms of brain cells capable of making good decisions and understand facts just seem to diminish from a person's mind instantly no matter what they hear.
And that's how it was.
I spent five hours, FIVE BLOODY hours helping a girl friend of mine who is having this slight problem with this guy, who I also know, and tried to offer sound and reasonable advice. Naturally, she went for a chat with him while asking me to be on hold in MSN so she could chat with me when problems arise. And I waited, extremely patiently.
It is worth a mention here that the both are yet to be together, due to loads and loads of certain complications.
And problems did arise. And while I will spare those tiny and insignificant and moronic details of the problems and advices given, I shall venture forth to the point when problems arose for myself.
It seems that while I was being a friend cum psychiatrist for my friend, the guy has his own platoon of loyal friends whom he had been seeking advice from too. This was of course perfectly acceptable by me, since it's normal, but what I couldn't accept was that instead of offering constructive advice, they chose a rather immature route of bad mouthing this friend of mine, and the boy told every juicy detail to her when she answered 'yes' to his question of 'would you like to know what my friends think about you?"
And while one might maintain composure in giving sound advice, it was a different matter to suppress the urge to defend a friend from mockery that was unjust and just plain cruel.
And what pisses me off more is the fact that the girl keeps finding excuses and taking all the blame herself when clearly both sides are at fault. For gods sake, it's not like I am putting all the blame on him, just pointing out that he's not as innocent and pure-hearted than what you might believe!!
What ensued was a momentary lapse of composure and a few more emotional words, ending in a tirade worthy of a full page paragraph.
And her reaction to all the sense I was trying to make her see, was instead of having even a mediocre understanding of what I was trying to convey, she apologized profusely for whatever reasons that escapes me and her tone leaves no misinterpretation to the fact that she was probably trying to placate me and escape at the same time. And that wounds me even more than I thought it would.
Damn! She was practically begging me to go off line, and while it pisses me off, I know that I have done some wrong and apologized for it, stating my faults and hoping that she might take a cue and think about what she has done wrong at the same time. Not wanting to stay on any longer for someone who clearly not appreciates what I've done, I logged off.
I was practically nodding off in front of my laptop, eyes blurry as she worked things out. And even with the killer headache I am sporting even now to type this piece to vent my frustrations, I still held on, being the friend that she wanted and helped her through this problem of hers.
Now, left with an odd sense of detachment, and a numbing pain and sadness sending small pangs of anger and a sense of betrayal over my body, I still could not find it in myself to be mad at her even for a second, since she is my friend. And tears just don't seem to be forthcoming, as though there are no more left for such hopeless matters.
It just makes me wonder sometimes, why do I still help? I could certainly use my time for something better.
But I know in the end that the ties of friendship may be my blessing and bane at the same time.
And with this self-deprecating sigh, i sign myself off, hoping for a good night's sleep and a morning rid of headaches even though a part of me knows that the sweet pleasure of the sleep induced unconsciousness will delude me for hours to come....
